Christmas Card 2006!

December 25th, 2006

Christmas cards are fun. This is the one I sent to everyone this year. Maybe I’ll post the other ones from Christmases past. You will need to beg me first.

Until then, you’ve got this beauty to feast your eyes on:

Xmas 06

Be Patient, Patient Reader

December 21st, 2006

I know I promised I’d post a new idea every day until I die, but that doesn’t mean you have to rub my face in it. I’m actually working on some real big stuff for this site, and you’d be wise to just sit back and relax, and check back every 5 minutes until it happens. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I may have thought of a way to construct a computer to prove or disprove the existence of God. Sounds pretty cool, I know.

In the mean time, you’ll have re-read the old ideas. There’s like 100 really funny jokes you missed.


Holiday Idea: Christmas Themed Yarmulke

December 16th, 2006

Merry Christmas, Jewish people.

Xmas Skull Cap

Pigeon Mobile

December 14th, 2006

I moved to New York City last summer, and every day for 3 months I sent (mostly) unsolicited résumés to local businesses. This was very boring. At one point I became convinced that Hotmail was broken because I couldn’t believe not 1 in 100 businesses would give me so much as an automated reply. I would have taken a robot over continual silence. Then again, I like robots.

On the tougher days I would gather up some loose change and buy a cup of coffee, wander the streets hugging myself, watch new mothers roll around their gross little babies – dogs pissing everywhere and sniffing each other’s asses, pigeons sharing sun-warmed bits of discarded lunchmeat.

Sure, it was tough times, but that’s all behind me. Now I’m a just another Wall Street millionaire banker. It’s pretty cool.

Only one physical artifact remains from those dark, tear stained pillow, times.

Pigeon Mobile

Invention: Reality Goggles

December 10th, 2006

Reality is pretty cool, right? Probably, but how would you know? Sadly, all of our observations of reality are filtered through our various senses. Not that I don’t love senses. Senses let my brain know what’s going on. My brain – you know, the thing that uses my body like a marionette to move itself from place to place, loves food and sex and needs a way to find these things as efficiently as possible. If we didn’t need food and sex then we wouldn’t need to see, smell, hear, taste, or feel. The reason we don’t have a 6th sense is that it wouldn’t help us get more food or sex. Sorry, dead people.

You might think being human is pretty special. We have special brains, but the rest of us is very run of the mill. Take our eye-sight for example. We can’t see very far away or very close-up. We can’t see infrared, like mosquito’s can. The ‘visual’ part is only a tiny section of the entire electromagnetic spectrum. In fact, if we had better vision we could also see ultra-violet, microwave, x-ray, gamma, radar, FM, shortwave, AM, etc. Seeing radio would be pretty cool, but probably very confusing – but, even more importantly it wouldn’t even help us find more food or sex.

Depressingly, we will never have any idea what reality is really like, because by definition, reality is the totality of existence, sans our experience of it. Reality is all of the stuff that exists, doing whatever it is it’s doing and has been doing, for all of eternity.

But, what if there was a special pair of goggles that allowed you to see things the way they really are?

Invention: Human 2.0 – Flexible Bones

December 8th, 2006

You’ve no doubt heard that sticks and stones may break your bones. Well, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. There must be literally dozens of other things that can break your bones. A crow bar, a rock, a car, anything heavy and hard falling out of the sky, you falling out of the sky. That’s all I can think of right now, but you get what I’m saying.

Bones would be a lot better if they weren’t gruesomely snapping in half all of the time. Imagine if your bones were still rigid and strong, but could bend under pressure without ever breaking. (As a kid did you ever soak a chicken leg-bone in vinegar for a few days?) Now, imagine falling out of maybe a 4 story window. No sweat with your Flexi-Bones. Imagine, you’re late for work – no time for the elevator – just jump out the window. Don’t like looking both ways before crossing the street? Who cares?

Of course, there’s a limit to the amount of deceleration your internal organs (including your tender brain) are able to take. I don’t know what those limits are, but if I were to guess I’d say you’re pressing your luck landing on your head from over 5 stories up. And the same rules for staying out from under the wheels of garbage trucks still apply.

Tshirt Design: WMD? WTF?

December 7th, 2006

WMDWTF Tshirt Design

I actually made this, or tried to. I cut a stencil out of paper and laid it down on top of a t-shirt, then applied white spray paint. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It’s probably the best way to do it totally wrong. The letters came out so blurry they look like puffy little clouds. The image here is a digital mock-up. Like what they would do at a Hollywood special effects company.

Invention: Population Control Drug

December 5th, 2006

This may come as a bit of a shock, but so far as I can tell there is only one real problem in the world. From it stems every bad thing there ever was, practically: it is the main cause of hunger, environmental pollution of all kinds, clear cutting of rain forests, war, famine, the spread of disease, traffic jams, over-crowded subway trains, high housing costs, top soil depletion, sweat shops, Wal Mart, shortages of fresh water, the U.S.’s dependence on foreign oil, unemployment, and general feelings of desperation and melancholy.

We shouldn’t need to reduce, re-use, or recycle. Everything should be packaged in CFC based foam, that we can throw over our shoulders when we’re done with it. We don’t need hybrid-hydrogen-methane-pedal-powered cars. Gas burning ones are fine the way they are. And we don’t need ‘spare the air day’, or Los Angeles for that matter. All of this amazing fantasy could be easily realized if there were about 1,000 total people on the Earth. It’s a simple supply and demand problem – we just need less demand.

The pill that could solve all of these problems, and establish a hedonistic utopia, is a drug I’ll call Lemmyoxine. It does one thing: whoever takes it will be overcome by the urge to throw themselves into an active volcano.

Invention: Cow 2.0

December 4th, 2006

Everyone loves to eat cow.   But, ask any cow how they feel about being slaughtered for human consumption, and they’ll always give the same answer: ‘Moo’.  This is what animal rights activists are for – they are the official translators of the bovine language.  As it turns out, the rough translation of the cow’s message is, ‘No thanks.’

Unfortunately for the cow this changes nothing, because as you know, humans can’t help but love eating cow.  Even people who choose not to partake in the consumption of tasty cow treats, secretly long for the tender juicy flesh.  It’s impossible to talk humans out of their love for cow, and equally futile trying to convince a cow that being slaughtered for food is a great way to go.  Fortunately, I have a solution for these irreconcilable differences: Cow 2.0genetically engineered to be way better than the original.

Major Features of Cow 2.0 

  1. No sense of fear – who likes the idea of a cow getting all agitated and freaked out watching one of their pals get a metal spike driven through their brain? 
  2. No sense of pain – prodding, branding, and slaughtering won’t be such a big deal.  They’ll love the attention.
  3. Ability to regenerate muscle tissue after getting it sliced off – this turns the cow into a meat generating machine, so you don’t even need to kill it.

Bonus Features: 

  1. Ability to shed its skin – akin to the way sheep can be sheared regularly, except here we’re pulling the cow’s actual skin off. 
  2. Ability to eat its own waste – I don’t know how many times they’d be able to do this in a row, but it’d still save money/grain/water if they could do it a few times.  You’d also need to instill it with the desire to eats its own waste.

Invention: Silent Automobile Horn

December 2nd, 2006

The most obnoxious place in the world is a busy Manhattan intersection.  HONK! HONK!  If you know of a more obnoxious place, please tell me and I will disagree with you.  This is one of the those rare moments that movies are exactly like real life.  Another time I can think of is when that lady turns from a mannequin into a real person in the movie Mannequin, because I believe this happens.

I hate noise.  Especially sudden noise.  HONK!  Life has enough distractions that when I finally experience a moment where one thought can organically flow into another, and suddenly and finally that one last riddle of life is at my fingertip—HONK! HONK! HONK!  What?

So, imagine you’ve got a special speaker in your car, only used for one purpose: hearing other horns.  And when you push your own horn a signal is sent out to a receiver in all nearby vehicles, triggering their own horn speaker.  Every car has the speaker, and every car has a receiver/transmitter.  This way, drivers can honk at each other all day long, but us pacifistic pedestrians can walk down the street in peace.

Maybe you’d also need a special (regular) horn that actually makes noise so pedestrians can hear it, in case of emergency…but, I’d rather risk it.