Self Help Book: 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People

Sure, you’ve heard of that one book.  It’s inspirational.  That’s great.

The problem with that book, however, is that my book is a lot better (and I haven’t even written it yet).  It will boil life down to its starkest whitest nakedest bones.  And it’s so simple that once you know the 7 things in life you should avoid, you won’t even need to read the rest of the book:

7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People  (or How to Fail at Everything)

1. Be a Quitter – You don’t even have to wait for something to get difficult.  This goes great with #4.
2. Make Excuses – This takes practice, but will become second-nature with a little effort.
3. Be Lazy – Marijuana and alcohol are great ways to boost your lazy-index.
4. Have No Goals – A tricky one, but here’s a mantra that might help: “I suck”
5. Be Disagreeable – When you enter a conversation all positive ideas should wither and die before they’re even spoken.  Once perfected, your expression should be able to do this from across the room.
6. Watch TV – You can supplement this with the Internet.  The important thing to remember is that anytime you’re left without distractions you run the risk of a new thought originating in your head.  This is bad.
7. Spend Your 401k – Ideally you wouldn’t even have a 401k, but if you happen to have one already then you need to liquidate it immediately, take the tax hit, and buy yourself the most expensive and impractical item you can.

Remember, each habit is equally important.  You can’t skip any of them.  I’m serious – heed my words or you will fuck up and find yourself getting something done.  Then you’ll never be the ultimate loser you and I want you to be.

I can hear you now: “But I already have some money in the bank and my savings keeps growing!”.  Look, it’s too late.  You’ve failed at failing.  Nice going.  OK, it might not be too late, but you need to act fast.  Quit your job immediately, and apply for a new job at Wal Mart.  This is a virtual guarantee you’ll 1) Never be happy, and 2) Never be able to afford anything in life again.

Let me know how it goes.

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