Invention: Cow 2.0
December 4th, 2006
Everyone loves to eat cow. But, ask any cow how they feel about being slaughtered for human consumption, and they’ll always give the same answer: ‘Moo’. This is what animal rights activists are for – they are the official translators of the bovine language. As it turns out, the rough translation of the cow’s message is, ‘No thanks.’
Unfortunately for the cow this changes nothing, because as you know, humans can’t help but love eating cow. Even people who choose not to partake in the consumption of tasty cow treats, secretly long for the tender juicy flesh. It’s impossible to talk humans out of their love for cow, and equally futile trying to convince a cow that being slaughtered for food is a great way to go. Fortunately, I have a solution for these irreconcilable differences: Cow 2.0 – genetically engineered to be way better than the original.
Major Features of Cow 2.0
- No sense of fear – who likes the idea of a cow getting all agitated and freaked out watching one of their pals get a metal spike driven through their brain?
- No sense of pain – prodding, branding, and slaughtering won’t be such a big deal. They’ll love the attention.
- Ability to regenerate muscle tissue after getting it sliced off – this turns the cow into a meat generating machine, so you don’t even need to kill it.
Bonus Features:
- Ability to shed its skin – akin to the way sheep can be sheared regularly, except here we’re pulling the cow’s actual skin off.
- Ability to eat its own waste – I don’t know how many times they’d be able to do this in a row, but it’d still save money/grain/water if they could do it a few times. You’d also need to instill it with the desire to eats its own waste.