If I opened a gym I'd call it Training Montage.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) May 25, 2017

I prefer cured bacon over bacon that's still sick.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) April 28, 2017

It takes a lot more logos to make a movie than it used to.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) April 24, 2017

Another missed opportunity to title an Alien sequel “Aliens!”#AlienCovenant #Alien

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) March 25, 2017

I'm very comfortable expressing my emotions with emoji's.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) March 18, 2017

Time saving invention for overworked and/or distracted Americans: a machine that chews your food for you, shoots it into your mouth.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) March 15, 2017

The Android Chrome incognito icon looks like the Babadook.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) March 15, 2017

If eating dried mango is a slippery slope, I hope it's a slippery slope that leads right to more dried mango.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) March 15, 2017

What's the deal with eyelids? Do muscles keep them open or closed?

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) February 11, 2017

It's not how much time you put in. It's how much you get done.

— Paul Bertino (@paulbertino) January 16, 2017

Creative writing.

Not sure if I can write myself out of a paper bag, but I can write myself into one if there’s a delicious burrito inside.

Vitamin Glue

Shats

Shoulder Hats

Sometimes the sun shines down far too hard, even for powerful shoulders. With these little hats your shoulders can say ‘eff u’ to those shitty sun rays.

App that listens all of the time, corrects you

Phone app or computer program that eavesdrops on all of your conversations, and when it hears something like, “Napoleon invaded Russia in 1810.” the app jumps in, “Excuse me, but Napoleon invaded Russia in 1812.” And you’d be like, “Cool. Thanks, app.” In addition to factual corrections, the app would sense any time information is needed and jump in and tell you. You never have to ask it anything because it is always listening and anticipates when you need information.

To expand, the app/program could also use a webcam to keep an eye on you and what you’re doing at all times. For example, you could be on the way out the door, but can’t find your car keys. If you said, “Where the eff did I put my keys?” the app would know, because it saw where you set them down. “Next to the phone, Judy.” Even better, it would sense your body language and emotional state and already know you’re looking for your keys. Even better, it would read your mind. Even better, it would be a robot that could drive your car, and could drive to your work and do your job and you could stay home and wouldn’t need your car keys in the first place.

8:40 – smoke pot if you forgot.