Self Help Book: 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People

November 27th, 2006

Sure, you’ve heard of that one book.  It’s inspirational.  That’s great.

The problem with that book, however, is that my book is a lot better (and I haven’t even written it yet).  It will boil life down to its starkest whitest nakedest bones.  And it’s so simple that once you know the 7 things in life you should avoid, you won’t even need to read the rest of the book:

7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People  (or How to Fail at Everything)

  1. Be a Quitter – You don’t even have to wait for something to get difficult.  This goes great with #4.
  2. Make Excuses – This takes practice, but will become second-nature with a little effort.
  3. Be Lazy – Marijuana and alcohol are great ways to boost your lazy-index.
  4. Have No Goals - A tricky one, but here’s a mantra that might help: “I suck”
  5. Be Disagreeable – When you enter a conversation all positive ideas should wither and die before they’re even spoken.  Once perfected, your expression should be able to do this from across the room.
  6. Watch TV - You can supplement this with the Internet.  The important thing to remember is that anytime you’re left without distractions you run the risk of a new thought originating in your head.  This is bad.
  7. Spend Your 401k – Ideally you wouldn’t even have a 401k, but if you happen to have one already then you need to liquidate it immediately, take the tax hit, and buy yourself the most expensive and impractical item you can.

Remember, each habit is equally important.  You can’t skip any of them.  I’m serious – heed my words or you will fuck up and find yourself getting something done.  Then you’ll never be the ultimate loser you and I want you to be.

I can hear you now: ”But I already have some money in the bank and my savings keeps growing!”.  Look, it’s too late.  You’ve failed at failing.  Nice going.  OK, it might not be too late, but you need to act fast.  Quit your job immediately, and apply for a new job at Wal Mart.  This is a virtual guarantee you’ll 1) Never be happy, and 2) Never be able to afford anything in life again.

Let me know how it goes.

Self Help Book: Liberate Yourself From What Confines You

November 21st, 2006

or How to Break Out of a Maximum Security Prison

This would be based on documented escapes, floor plans, theoretical escape routes, near-escapes, using well known prisons as examples. 

Chapters (not in any order):

  1. Bribery – of other inmates and staff.  (Money, drugs, sexual favors…)
  2. General Do’s and Dont’s – don’t kill anyone unnecessarily, and don’t tell anyone what you’re up to unless you trust them.  Join a gang for protection.
  3. How to fashion tools and weapons from everyday objects (including hardness charts of various materials, so you know if it’s even possible to use a stainless steel spoon to dig through poured concrete )
  4. Layouts of well-known prisons (based on blue prints, inmate sketches, aerial photos…)
  5. What to say if you’re caught in the act
  6. Don’t be discouraged if you fail the first time (and get thrown into solitary)
  7. How to self-inflict a serious but non-fatal injury and get taken to a hospital
  8. How to escape from guarded hospitals
  9. Cryptography, and how to encode messages (to other inmates and through mail/e-mail)
  10. How to make money selling drugs, booze, and cigarettes

While You’re On The Lam: 

  1. Edible plants
  2. How to purify stream water
  3. How to catch wild animals, clean, and eat them
  4. General boy-scout type stuff
  5. How to avoid detection by infrared cameras (think Predator)
  6. What to say and not say to a beat-cop who asks you for your ID.
  7. How to establish a new identity
  8. How to steal someone else’s


 Sorry, no awesome drawing for this one.