Story: Kind of Smart Cave Man

January 22nd, 2007

This is a story about an ancient human ancestor – a book, short story, movie, short film, who cares – some middle of the road homonid – smarter than a chimpanzee, but dumber than a homo sapien. Somewhere right in between – at the cusp of the capacity for abstract and intellectual thought…basically, if this were a modern human he’d be a real dumb ass. Something like 75 IQ or less maybe. But, he’s extra smart for his type.

He’s just smart enough to know that there are things he could understand – he’s so close, but can’t quite make the intellectual leap. He almost discovers/invents written language, but can’t keep track of all the symbols. He has a sense of art and aesthetics, but he has no artistic aptitude. Intuition tells him that these great things, like math, exist, or could exist, but he has no way to create them himself. He’s plagued with a kind of weird intuition.

Basically, he’s very frustrated all of the time.

Ok, that’s not a story, it’s a premise. I know that.

Invention: A Womb of One’s Own

January 11th, 2007

A way to take a break from life and dissolve away every day stresses. It’s a kind of isolation chamber – sort of like in the movie Altered States – but this one won’t transform you into a lard-monster.

From the outside it looks like a giant over-sized Mueck sculpture of a woman’s pregnant belly. A door opens to reveal a warm, cushioned environment. Curl up in the fetal position and close the door. All outside sounds turn to a muffle. The womb glows in a pleasing orange/red light. You can hear your mother’s heartbeat. You should probably meditate while you’re in there, too.

It’d be cool to have this thing suspended in some kind of gyoscopic contraption, that’s immune to vibrations and bumps. Imagine getting on an airplane, then crawling into the Womb, and not being able to ever hear or feel the plane for the entire trip. I’d like it because flying gives me the heebee jeebee’s.

No sketch for this one – unless someone wants to contribute…

Invention: The Totally High Carry-all (THC)

January 5th, 2007

Now a special treat for my loyal, but generally silent, readers:

Everyone knows that backpacks can be cumbersome, uncomfortable, dorky, and when fully-loaded, too heavy. Really, carrying stuff around is a pain in the ass, and you know it. That is why they invented pack-animals and Sherpas.

The problem with backpacks stems from the fact that very few advancements have been made in toting-technology, for like a 1,000 years – with 2 noteworthy exceptions. One is the fanny pack, which is innovative in the way it shifts the weight-bearing from the shoulders to the waist. Unfortunately, there is no way to style a fanny-pack to make the wearer look like anything but a total douche. The other ‘advancement’ in lugging stuff around is apparently the wheel, which is like a square but with very rounded corners. Your toes have probably been the target of a backpack-on-wheels on more than one occasion.

If I have my way, the future of backpacknology will totally blow your mind.

To illustrate my incredible backpack inventions, I’ve commissioned the illustrating muscle of Forrest Schell. All of the ideas are mine mine mine.

#1 Totally High Carry-all