Crematorium Power Plant

Dead people. Please. I’m tired of hearing about them. Day in and day out it’s always the same: he’s dead, she’s dead, 50 just died over here. I get it. They’re dead. Let’s just get rid of those gross corpses.

Here’s an idea: create centralized crematoriums outside all major metropolitan areas. Outfit each facility with a steam-generator to turn the burning-corpse energy into clean, renewable energy. It could be called the gray revolution.

Dead people are an untapped resource that the average person’s moral obligations prevent them from noticing. There is no real demand for dead people, but an unlimited supply. Like Ford cars.

Filed under: Amoral Energy Generation

updated 01/09: new thoughts on this: awesome idea. Trying too hard to be funny, and failing, but I was just thinking about this the other day. If you’re goin’ up in a ball of fire, why not boil some water and turn a turbine while you’re at it, you selfish jerk?

New Blog: written by Larry David’s left arm

I was riding the subway the other day, and this question pops into my head: “What if Larry David’s left arm had its own blog?”

What would it talk about? Does it like Larry? Does it think he’s a funny guy? Maybe not! Maybe it has a beef with Larry, and feels neglected like so many left arms.

It could tell funny behind-the-scenes anecdotes from the set of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Maybe how it has a crush on another star’s arm. Maybe it’s got taxi-driver type tidbits of wisdom. You know, real stuff from the streets. Maybe it’s a closet homosexual, and it confesses it to the world in a blog post. Maybe it has embarrassing taste in pop-music. Maybe it feels that Britney Spears was unfairly ridiculed for her lackluster performance on the MTV music awards.

Who can really say what Larry David’s left arm thinks about?

updated 01/09: looking back on this post: trying too hard. Not the best idea to begin with but would be better if left as “what is Larry David’s left arm had it’s own blog?” Still, that isn’t even funny.

My dream stole my idea!

After writing about the combo sugar/cream packet idea, I started feeling a little paranoid that maybe it already exists. I make it a point not to do any research, so I still don’t actually know. Besides, I’m not going to the library to find out what’s real or not.

Then, last night someone in my dream was using a sugar/cream packet, and I felt really dumb for proposing an invention without doing any research first. Now that I’m awake I feel dumb for feeling dumb.

Invention: Sugar/Cream Sugar Packet

Imagine: sugar granules.

Now imagine: granules of dehydrated cream.

Really push the envelope here: sugar granules and dehydrated cream granules inside a single packet.

Note:
Dehydrated cream granules may need to be invented for this invention to work.

Meat Shaker

Goes great on everything.

Jesus Week – thank god that’s over.

Ok. I’ll be the first to admit that a lot of my ideas are kind of awesome.

Which reminds me about the Jesus painting: I’m not going to say what it’s all about. Sorry. Every time an idea is revealed it takes some of the magic away; some of the initial spark and fire – the potential. And I lose at least a half dozen brains cells each time I do it. This time I’m just going to keep it to myself. Savor the moment. The secret. And you will suffer, eternally, hopefully, until I actually paint the painting, which could be any time, or never ever.

Bristled scrubber and rubber gloves for bathroom

Need to get these. I think there’s black mold growing on the shower curtain.

Loft Bed Design

I became obesessed with the idea of a lofted bed for my bedroom in San Francisco. Actually, I was more obsessed with the designing than making part. I don’t have any carpentry skills that I know of, but I would have built it anyway if I had lived in that place longer. It’s designed to scale and all fastening elements are invisible from the outside.

Image created with Maya.

Captive Straw – Soda Bottle with Built-in Straw

I don’t like to use straws, but luckily for this invention, other people do.

This is how it works: when you uncap your bottled beverage, the straw springs to full length. If you’re unable to finish your drink all in one sitting, just push the straw back in and re-cap.

Now do my bidding, Captive Straw!

Zodiac Murder Map

Here’s an idea I’ve already done, so good luck stealing it.

It is a map that notes the locations of each Zodiac Killer attack, as well as the possible attacks, that occurred in California around 1969. I thought it’d be interesting to see how far he traveled during his deathcapades. I’m guessing he lived in the Vallejo area, or another crappy area in the East Bay area. Vallejo is a natural place to breed serial killers, in my opinion.

Click on the image to experience the total Zodiac Murder Map Experience experience.

Betterama?

The last one was created with Photoshop CS2’s automatic panorama maker tool. After noticing it looked like garbage, a person recommended a freeware program called Hugin because it’s ‘easy and automatic’. That might be true, but not for me. The program crashed a lot, but after 2 days of trial and error, I was finally able to produce a significantly awesomer result:

How it was done:

• Canon xti mounted on a tripod, placed in the center of the room, mounted vertically.
• 18mm lens (28.8mm in reality).
• Snapped shots at about 30 degree increments (13 shots in a circle) with the camera level.
• Snapped another set with the camera tilted more at the floor (12 shots that time).
• Threw the shots into Hugin and 2 days later produced a 700MB tiff.
• Final resolution: 10,655×2957

Invention: Helium Backpack

Remember my promise for hundreds of backpack inventions? Well, I’m following through kind of. I stopped bugging Forrest, so he stopped producing sketches of my ideas. Too bad. But, at least I got 2 drawings out of him…

Anyway, here’s another backpack:

The fact that it isn’t even a backpack is even better.

Invention: Wrist Watch with Built-In Bottle Opener

Just like it says.

Invention: A Womb of One’s Own

A way to take a break from life and dissolve away every day stresses. It’s a kind of isolation chamber – sort of like in the movie Altered States – but this one won’t transform you into a lard-monster.

From the outside it looks like a giant over-sized Mueck sculpture of a woman’s pregnant belly. A door opens to reveal a warm, cushioned environment. Curl up in the fetal position and close the door. All outside sounds turn to a muffle. The womb glows in a pleasing orange/red light. You can hear your mother’s heartbeat. You should probably meditate while you’re in there, too.

It’d be cool to have this thing suspended in some kind of gyoscopic contraption, that’s immune to vibrations and bumps. Imagine getting on an airplane, then crawling into the Womb, and not being able to ever hear or feel the plane for the entire trip. I’d like it because flying gives me the heebee jeebee’s.

No sketch for this one – unless someone wants to contribute…

Invention: The Totally High Carry-all (THC)

Now a special treat for my loyal, but generally silent, readers:

Everyone knows that backpacks can be cumbersome, uncomfortable, dorky, and when fully-loaded, too heavy. Really, carrying stuff around is a pain in the ass, and you know it. That is why they invented pack-animals and Sherpas.

The problem with backpacks stems from the fact that very few advancements have been made in toting-technology, for like a 1,000 years – with 2 noteworthy exceptions. One is the fanny pack, which is innovative in the way it shifts the weight-bearing from the shoulders to the waist. Unfortunately, there is no way to style a fanny-pack to make the wearer look like anything but a total douche. The other ‘advancement’ in lugging stuff around is apparently the wheel, which is like a square but with very rounded corners. Your toes have probably been the target of a backpack-on-wheels on more than one occasion.

If I have my way, the future of backpacknology will totally blow your mind.

To illustrate my incredible backpack inventions, I’ve commissioned the illustrating muscle of Forrest Schell. All of the ideas are mine mine mine.

#1 Totally High Carry-all